Waking Up Scared (Healing, PTSD & Sexual Abuse)

Waking Up Scared (Healing, PTSD & Sexual Abuse)
Bangor Daily News
Jim LaPierre
August 3, 2013

4am is her witching hour. She wakes each morning with adrenaline coursing through her veins. Her heartbeat hammers rapidly and every muscle in her body is impossibly tense. She’s in fight or flight mode but there’s no one to fight and nowhere to run.

The first 30 seconds feels like half an hour. It’s the time in between sleep and waking. What’s real? What isn’t?

It’s much worse than a bad dream. It. Feels. Like. It. Just. Happened. Again.

The tears come but she fights them. She checks the sheets but they’re clean. She sits on the side of the bed – rocking back and forth but it’s a little too fast to bring comfort. “Breath!” Can’t get enough oxygen.

Hyperventilating is terrifying. Head pounding. Need light. Need air. Must get out of this room.

She walks outside. Lights a cigarette. Nicotine helps. Start the coffee – no chance of going back to sleep now.

Go to the bathroom but turn away from the medicine cabinet mirror. Cold water on her face stings but feels real.

Still avoiding the mirror, can’t stand the image there. She needs a shower but it doesn’t feel okay to do that yet.

Settle in with some reading – daily affirmations. Get centered. Prayers are sent but feel futile. She never got the hang of meditation. It just gets her stuck in her head.

Song on Pandora grabs her attention:

“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing .Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in.”

The Script “Breakeven”
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